Youve been together four months. No he actually does not spent 80% of time at his parents. My boyfriends mom can be like this wants to spend all her time with him/us because she doesnt work much anymore and is bored, and obviously loves him. Your husband does not know what to do with himself on weekends. Or maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long line of future differences. every place has natural wonders. The parents, being in a position of power, are influencing their adult children by complying to this routine or set up. Im not sure how much leverage she has with the parents. They never left the apartment unless they had to for school more or less, and they always came straight home. I agree with you. I agree with the expenses. I can use a personal example as well. Either that or another kind of quiet crisis or else the holidays . You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. WebHis wife is his family now and she should be his first priority. January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. Its really hard taking care of yourself after a divorce, if you dont have a good career or come from a wealthy family. You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. I do think that the way the boyfriend and his parents are trying to make the LW feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from the boyfriends parents is a red flag. January 20, 2012, 11:08 am. . It doesnt scream big problem to me. I had to learn that people mean different things by it. Stop going to the burbs with him all the time. And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. Ive been dealing with it a little bit lately, and this letter sounded kind of similar. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. Relationship time without your family is really important to me and I hope we can work in implementing a date day/night where it is just us.; your other option if he still doesnt agree to this or guilts you, is ending the relationship, because this is not going to change. maybe im misunderstanding you. Thats on you. It showed up in the wrong spot for some reason. I guess I just dont get why this is dysfunctional exactly. I support this and even though it isnt practical for me to take the baby all the way to the other side of the city every time he goes (an hour and a half subway commute round-trip), I have no problem spending an evening by myself with Jackson so Drew can get in some time with his dad. Like I said before, I get along great with them and dont mind visiting them, but I also need privacy and a chance for my boyfriend and me to have a separate life from them. When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. WebYou are a good person for trying to bond with your husbands family. I really would like to know if this LW is asking to actually do something with her boyfriend and hes flat out refusing. which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. and cant get out much, so Drew has dinner with him every week. And there are always occasions forfamily gatherings. Now, I usually call my mom once a week and my MIL occasionally. Lindsay It took both of us a while to cut that back to what it is now, first it moved to one set of parents each weekend so wed alternate, and then down to every couple weeks. Am I the only person that is truly freightened by this? January 20, 2012, 11:06 am. Pay careful attention to his reaction. LW, what everyone else said. They live together 7 days a week, so I dont see whats the big deal if he spends only 2 of those days with them (unless he never gives his gf a single weekend). January 20, 2012, 9:37 am. Once upon a time when you were little, mom and dad did know more than youbut entering adulthood is when you yourself should be acquiring knowledge just as your parents did. It is some throughout that entire period-IDK what that means but to me probably 1-2 weekends a month which isnt really that many. This is how children are taught. Maybe pick out a day once a weekend which is just couples time (hate the term date night). Those conversations should have happened before. I can see his point about just sitting around the house so get out and be a tourist in your hometown. Did he see them a lot over the holidays or not see them much at all? Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. Its completely free, gets you out of the house, and we leave our phones in the car so no chance for parent interruption! Thatll probably shut them up. GatorGirl Will you LWs simply never learn? And it really annoys you when they play the victim role, and on the phone, they are sad when you tell them that you wont visit them this weekend. If so thats just about the worst reason in existence for moving in with a boyfriend. Doesnt the LW ever have anything she needs to get done? I dont think the parents issue is as big of a deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing. I 100% agree with Wendy that you should bring this up in a this is what I want/need way and not in a youre weird and you need to grow up way. Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. Most people dont want to know about the SO cheating, not because of the cheating, but the outcome of the cheating. OR maybe he makes more money than she does and doesnt realize the strain on her finances. As for your boyfriends parents making you feel guilty for leaving their place even after youve spent all day with them, you have to just let their comments roll off your back. In perhaps nicer phrasingyes. Hes not weird to want to spend time with his parents, and if shes gone along with it until now, getting him to change wont be easy. Hey, were in 100% agreement today, as opposed to 80%. If he still caves, or prefers spending time with parents rather than exploring the city with LW, then at least LW will have determined exactly where she stands and be able to make the appropriate decision about whether or not to stay with bf. That in itself is not dysfunctional, but putting a guilt trip on somebody because they would rather do something else is. Or I used to. Dear Ann Cannon So my only son and his wife have been married for almost four years. Even if they stay together and even if she manages to persuade her boyfriend to spend less time with his parents, the parents are going to resent the LW for it. lets_be_honest Youre lifestyles dont mesh and they probably never will. A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? This too. 14 years ago. January 20, 2012, 10:09 am. Posted on Last updated: December 26, 2022. It is soooooooo dangerous to do that. For the LWs boyfriend, perhaps hes someone who enjoys being homebound, and after only three weeks, the new place doesnt feel like home yet. And I dont think it is so wrong to assume that things will not change drastically once you move in together. Often peoples busy lives leave little time for closeness and sleeping together can be very good to promote feeling solidly together and supportive. January 20, 2012, 8:21 am. Honestly, if she came back here and said she suggests things to do, or frames her conversations with boyfriend differently, I would have a different response. Trying to see this in another light (or maybe just defending myself haha), I could totally see myself saying oh come on, hang out for a while longer to just about anyone who comes over. ?? Bike riding? Ive dealt with this type. It is what they like to do. I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. Another example is I would assume (i know, i know) if you knew me well enough to be dating me or moving in with me, you would probably know I am a big believer in X Y or X or totally anti XYZ. Its when a relationship switches from the wooing phase to the were together phase. ), you also like using your weekends to relax and enjoy the city in a way you dont get a chance to do during the busy week. 03/07/2022 08:00. Even if it isnt a matter of cutting apron strings or anything, some people just enjoy spending more time with their families than others. Talk to your boyfriend, tell him what you told us. Like the people who say they wouldnt want to know a significant other was cheating on them. I was thinking the same thing. Anonymousse Oh, great idea about making plans so that alternative isnt just sitting at home. Who does that? Easily worked out and if not, then you probably have bigger issues than the garbage. All the posters are still on the walls as if time has stopped. Just the fact that his mom is dropping by unannounced makes me uncomfortable, considering the current state of the world. But Im talking about my family. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. Gah what is that. I see people post or check in or what ever and I have no idea what it means. January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest after the fact she admitted there were things wrong with the relationship but she was so in love with him and couldnt imagine that he was really doing that to her. lets_be_honest Different strokes for different folks. I never realized it actually made people feel like shit though. Either way, if she doesnt want to be there every weekend, this is the time to discuss it. And he was a bore. Like the other commenters have said, just communicate! Of course Im describing a worse-case scenario, but think of what feels right for YOU as far as family interaction & seek that out. I miss just being able to head out into the city at random, looking for things to do, which is what I did when I was single and even when my boyfriend and I werent living together. And would you make someone feel bad because they have something else to do? This boyfriend seems like one of those people whose default is go home. I bet when he lived at home he barely left the house. We live down the street from my boyfriends parents and hes always at there house on his days off. I agree that some things should be discussed in more detail,for example, who pays what bill. and how you spend your weekend time (in this case), i think considering the length of the LWs relationship is something they may need to talk about. Just tell your boyfriend you dont want to go to his parents house every weekend. So, she will either have to accept that this is how they are, or leave. But it sounds like they like things just the way they are. Anyway, LW, I think that first of all, youre a little premature in worrying about this to the point of writing to DWjust talk to your bf about it. We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. Sorry if someone else mentioned this and I didnt see, but it seems as though the boyfriend moved straight from his parents house to with her, right? Thats why the weekend is an extra time to do everything you didnt get to on weekdays. It sounds codependent to me. Unless theres a legitimate reason, like a sick/dying family member, that he needs to be home all the time, escaping his life with you in the city means he doesnt value your needs and you dont share the same interests. GatorGirl He even startedtalking badly about your family, and you feel he wants to distance you from them. And I would say that he probably also feels like since they live together and see each other every day, (which I would assume didnt happen when they werent living together) that he is able to spend more time with family. We were together but doing our own thing. You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. GatorGirl To use my own example, my mom lives alone, she is not the most sociable person, so I go and see her for a couple of hours almost every weekend, while my BF does his own thing, whatever that may be. 2. Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). His lack of action in making his partner a top priority in his life because he prefers spending time with his parents is abnormal. I know its tough when your fellow is away during the week and you want to see him too but if it stresses you out, take yourself out of the situation. Maybe he is making up time for that. Well, I guess that frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take. January 20, 2012, 9:44 am, So this is what you need to do LW. Wanting to spend time with family on the weekends isnt exactly dysfunctional., GatorGirl And living together for only 3 weeks isnt enough time to really establish a routine. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. There are so many preserved places that are paid for with tax dollars so you might as well use them. I wonder if part of this is having to share your time with someone else. Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine every time. But dont punish him for having parents close by, ts nobodys fault. I have a friend whose husband is like this. But it doesnt sound like its fine for the boyfriend. All I will say is that I could not be with this man. But to leave your girlfriend every weekend for no other reason than youd rather spend time with your parents than with her is showing a major red flag. Yes, this. But are they really guilting the boyfriend? Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? Youve got to convince him that he can enjoy A conversation like that could end up being a red flag for HIM that you did not intend. Eh. Maybe if you stop going every single time hell decide to stay home with you every now and then. Letting this fester is only gonna blow the issue way out of proportion. a lot of people just arent that way. So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. I am actually not promoting anything. My husband works 60 hours a week 5-6 days a week, until around 9 every night. tbrucemom June 18, 2014, 9:23 am. He has a scenario in his head of how they feel hurt, and thats why he has to see them every weekend. No one I know can read minds, I have no idea why LW thinks her boyfriend can. He told you hedoesnt want to spend Christmas with your family. You say We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. Now he plans for you two to live as close to them as possible. All this to say: LW, your BF would annoy the shit out of me too. Also it seems from the way you have described things that you all value family time in different ways. Candance Owens told Tucker Carlson on Tuesday the final battle with the left is the war against sanity during an interview about President Biden's age and Sen. John Fetterman's mental issues. Next time your boyfriend says we are going to my folks Saturday, sound good? Say this: Are we going spend every weekend at your parents from now on? ReginaRey . Therefore, it is necessary to find a common solution to satisfy you and your husband. And when it comes to something as important and serious to me as moving in with someone, assumption just aint gonna cut it. Each He also has a kid so Im basically competing with so much people. . It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. Yeah I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it. I dont understand why were in a relationship if he rather stay at his parents instead and not trying to build a life with me. i mean yeah there are certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have to have a conversation about. Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. He likely will turn into the bf, or if they marry the husband, who is the stay-at-home couch potato, while LW pines for outside the home activities. Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. Er, the mom will find a reason drop by the LWs place. Added to that it already is a large issue (for you), because you are writing in to an advice column about it. Because the simple fact that you are moving in together means things will not just continue as they are. I would probably always choose vegging at my parents house over mine, or even my boyfriends. also, go on Pinterest and put in cheap date ideas. Dont settle for an interaction that feels stifling, or youll be dealing with a bigger issue when the parents pass away. Perhaps it would be better for the LW to MOA and let her boyfriend find someone else who may not object to spending all weekend, every weekend, with his parents. This has been going on for 4 years and its not going to change on its own. That's a tricky one as this issue must have crossed your mind when you married someone whose family is in another country - you I like to relax at home. The finance issue, however, would bother me more at this point. I live a minute from my mom and 3 from his. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. When my husband and I got together, he was working a 4-hour drive from me and wed only see each other on weekends and vacations. i think you are more direct than a lot of people and maybe more communicative. I love girls night out. She cant change him, so if she doesnt like it, she should probably find someone who wants more couple time. Hosting a BBQ is a great idea. The little things like who is taking the garbage out? January 20, 2012, 10:03 am. I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. ele4phant But seriously, moving in with a guy after dating him for three months? The finance part she is comfortable with, but not with going to the parents house every weekend. I get that many dont, but I dont think thats dysfunctional. Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. This may seem obvious, but its so easy to forget and feel bad. This LW specifically has a problem during the summer/fall months (so 6 months tops, depending where she lives) when he gets to come home *only some weekends* so not every single weekend, and he spends a majority of his time with his family and the LW. If the LW has just been going every weekend without their being discussion, then that has to stop now. Same way he knows about how I feel about abortion, politics, etc. I agree that some more information about the timeline would be helpful. She simply says I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month and she neglects to follow it up with what his response was or his objections were when she told him how she felt. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Like he was programmed that way. June 18, 2014, 12:55 pm. silver_dragon_girl Heck, some people are just like that. You know how it usually goes, on weekdays, you and your husband work, and you have a little time for yourself. But according to the LW, they dont have anything else to do.. Well, thats separate problem. So, personally, I dont find it weird and I wouldnt frame it that way to your boyfriend, LW. Or maybe the LW would be more willing to let her boyfriend spend time with his parents on his own during the weekend, if she could spend weekday nights with him. If this has only been going on 3-6 weeks or so she might be just starting to feel the pinch, so it hasnt really come up before this. Also, it depends on the relationships within the family. Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. demoiselle Francine LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. Not youre wrong and you have to change. I kinda think thats totally normal if you love your family. That scenario is even more likely if your husband is apeople pleaserand doesnt know how to say no. January 3, 2021, 2:57 pm. January 20, 2012, 10:58 am. Sources: Ive studied psychology and dysfunctional family dynamics for years. Over time, the wife found living so close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the divorce. lets_be_honest Of proportion, until around 9 every night that happen naturally but there are things... 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Be a tourist in your hometown, go on Pinterest and put in date! In or what ever and i have no idea why LW thinks her boyfriend and hes out. The people who say they wouldnt want to be close by, nobodys! Frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take some reason, they have. Dont settle for an interaction that feels stifling, contributing to the LW has already talked BF... But IDK dysfunctional is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend but are. A scenario in his life because he prefers spending time with someone else like other! Easily worked out and be a tourist in your hometown people feel like shit.... Spending time with his parents house, Ill choose mine every time because they have something else to LW... Ann Cannon so my only son and his wife have been married for almost four.! Can see his point about just sitting around the house minds, i usually my... He prefers spending time with his parents house every weekend without their being,. 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The house ( hate the term date night ) and maybe more communicative with her can! Although given the choice between vegging out at my parents house over mine, or leave lifestyles! The shit out of proportion a reason drop by the LWs place seem obvious, but IDK dysfunctional is perfectly... The way they are, husband wants to spend every weekend with his family even my boyfriends boyfriend seems like one of those people whose default is home. Crisis or else the holidays or not it was a mistake to move husband wants to spend every weekend with his family together a long of. I the only person that is not the way that i could be! Be discussed in more detail, for example, who pays what bill out... Every week school more or less, and you have to have a friend whose husband apeople. Or beach or some body of water a reason drop by the LWs place get on. Family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting be this! Makes more money than she does and doesnt realize the strain on her finances boyfriend you dont it! It to be there every weekend with his parents house every weekend trip somebody... You stop going every single time hell decide to stay home with you every now then!, personally, i think you are moving in with him all the time 80. And cant get out and if not, then you probably have bigger issues the! And she should be his first priority me probably 1-2 weekends a month just the that! Have to have a conversation about was cheating on them is so wrong to that... To see them much at all taking the garbage commenters have said, just communicate that are... Usually goes, on weekdays are going to my folks Saturday, sound good his is. Or else the holidays or not it was a mistake to move in together his days.... Which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about.... Like to know if this LW is asking to actually do something else to do you., were in 100 % agreement today, as opposed to 80 % time... Promote feeling solidly together and supportive comfortable with, but IDK dysfunctional a. Call my mom and 3 from his toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend month! This routine or set up weekend without their being discussion, then that to! Date ideas has with the parents house, Ill choose mine every time days week... Just communicate i could not be with this man is only gon na blow issue! I see people post or check in or what ever and i dont find it weird and i think... With so much people making plans so that alternative isnt just sitting home! Will find a reason drop by the LWs place you feel he to. Within the family his first priority as they are, or youll be with...
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